When Anxiety Rears Its Head

Brianna Barrett

August 28, 2024

Lila Diller shares her story about releasing anxiety to find peace.

I didn’t realize until recently that I’ve always lived with high-functioning anxiety. I just thought it was normal for us “worry-warts.” I knew that worry was “wrong.” But try as I might, peace eluded me. Prayer didn’t really seem to help. Until now.

Striving From Anxiety to Thrive

Many years ago, a fellow choir member went through breast cancer and survived. In fact, she thrived and is still thriving. She always had such an upbeat attitude, but one thing in particular stuck with me over the years. I had been bemoaning that it’s so hard to know what real joy is when she spoke up and said, “It’s not about focusing on getting joy; it’s about knowing the Joy Giver.” I found that it’s the same thing with peace. It’s not about striving to obtain or desperately cling to peace. It’s about knowing the Prince of Peace.

Praying Changed My Heart

When I recently was told that I had a “spot” on my first mammogram that the doctors wanted to look at more closely, the old anxiety reared its head. This time I didn’t try to go it alone or push down the “sinful” anxiety. I called in my prayer-warrior friends and sister. I listened over and over to my Peace Playlist on YouTube. I prayed again and again for God to take this anxiety from me. But it wasn’t until I started praying this specific prayer that things began to change in my heart:

“Jesus, You asked blind Bartimaeus what he wanted when it was obvious he wanted his sight [Matt. 10:50-52, NLT]. If You’re asking me what I really want, I want my ultrasound to be clear and for there to be no cancer, nothing serious. But if there is a specific reason You choose to allow the ‘mass’ in my breast to remain, ‘not my will but Yours be done‘ [Luke 22:42, NIV].”

Sincere Prayer for Anxiety

When I really meant that prayer – and it took a while for me to really be sincere – then “the peace that surpasses all understanding [came to] guard my heart and mind” (Phil. 4:7, ESV). And it didn’t feel at all like I expected. I still had the fluttering of dread in my stomach. I was weepy while waiting for the nurse to show the results of her ultrasound to the doctor. But I also felt very close to the Lord. I knew He was right there with me, holding me in His embrace. There was no doubting His goodness in that instant. Whatever happened or didn’t happen, He would be with me through it all and would bring some good in some way to me and glory to Himself. I only wanted everyone to know the sweet and gentle goodness of God in that same way.

The Results Were In

I steeled myself to expect that the doctor would at least want to redo the ultrasound to confirm the nurse’s finding, something she’d only told me at the last minute before she took her results to him. But she returned alone and said that the doctor didn’t even need to do that. The mass was a simple, benign cyst. I closed my eyes in utter relief. I know that doesn’t happen for everyone. But I was so thankful that I texted everyone who had prayed for me immediately! And I’m so thankful that I passed this midterm!

But the testing isn’t over. Who knows what my faith will need to endure next? But now I know that the Prince of Peace is a Good Father who will never leave me or forsake me (Isa. 9:6; Heb. 13:5b, ESV).

Meet Lila

Bio: Lila is outnumbered by a houseful of males: wife to the only love of her life for 22 years, homeschool mom to two energetic boys age 18 & 13, and caterer to an anxious dachshund named Brownie. As the author of six Christian novels, she has now turned her attention to her first passion of visual art. You can find her mostly on IG @liladiller or sign up for her VIP newsletter at https://mailchi.mp/403b798891ef/art-by-lila-diller.

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