16 years and 16 lessons

Marriage is hard! My husband and I genuinely thought our marriage would just WORK. People made it look easy, but let’s be honest – if someone actually told us how hard it would be, how many people would actually get married? We were young and naïve. Looking back it’s hard to believe how far we’ve come from where we started. 

We’ve been married 16 years this week.

I wouldn’t change it for the world.

We’ve had our moments, we’ve fought, we’ve made memories, and had a lot of adventures. 

We each wrote 8 lessons that we have learned in our 16 years of being married. 

1. I had to learn to fight fair. – Brianna

Fighting fair was hard for me to learn. I liked to dig up things that happened in the past rather than deal with the situation at hand. Meaning, I liked to bring up the hurt from the past and throw that in his face while in the middle of something completely different and current. It was hard having to learn this lesson.  I’ve learned that when we are in an argument, it’s the situation at hand, not the one from twelve years ago. Deal with this situation and let the past live there. If the past issue is something that bothers me, praying about it helps me to decide if it is in fact something we should address, and then discussing it calmly is best. 

2. Someone is not always right. – Brianna 

Sometimes no one is right. We can both be in the wrong. No one ever said two wrongs make a right. Discussing situations and issues doesn’t always make things clear, sometimes we just have to know that there isn’t one winner in a marriage. It’s not a competition but a team. When one spouse is suffering or plagued with something both of you are. The sooner you become a unit of one with God in the mix, the sooner you’ll find the freedom to live your best life together. 

3. We are both sinners who need Jesus. – Brianna

Yep, this was probably the most important thing we’ve learned. We are going to hurt each other’s feelings, we are going to fail each other, and we are going to have unmet expectations. But bringing those things to Jesus and laying them at His feet has changed me. I see things differently than I did when I was first married. I see a different perspective. It hasn’t always been sunshine and rainbows, but it’s been worth every minute. 

4. Don’t take life so seriously. -Brianna

It’s easy to get caught up in day-to-day life.  Remember why you do work: to live!  Enjoy time together and laugh as often as you can!  It’s totally okay to have fun and be married. Find things that you both enjoy and do them together! You never know what new skills or hobbies you will find that you both love.  🙂

5. In sickness and in health, is real. – Brianna

There will be illnesses. Sometimes they are simple things, but sometimes there are more complicated things that happen too. Be loving and accepting of your spouse for who they are now, not necessarily the person or body they were when you got married. 

6. Don’t marry someone you can live with, marry someone you can’t live without. – Brianna

It’s easy to tolerate someone as a roommate. Tolerance shouldn’t be what your marriage is based on but on love.  I truly want to spend time with my husband, and I enjoy spending time with him even when we are doing something I don’t particularly like.

7. Dating after you’rer married is totally worth it. – Brianna

Dating is important.  I mean before you get married, sure, but honestly, it is just as important after you get married; especially after you have kids. Due to my husband’s work schedule, dating hasn’t always been easy. He travels a lot and doesn’t always want to eat out when he’s home, so we have had dates at home. Uninterrupted adult conversation is important for your marriage. Eventually, the kids move out, and staying connected means that you aren’t rediscovering your spouse.

8. Don’t slam your spouse to others. – Brianna 

More times than not when a group of ladies (or men) get together they dog their spouses. It really bothers me when this occurs.  Are there things that irritate my husband? Yes but the whole world doesn’t have to know them. Are there times I’m upset that he did (or didn’t) do something? Yes, but I’m just as guilty too.  If something is bothering you about your spouse, talk to your spouse,  not the world.

Chris – Oh, boy, it’s my turn now. I’m tempted to make my first item “Don’t be upset with your spouse when she takes all the good ones because she’s the writer and she wrote all those before telling you what she was up to!”  Can I LOL in a blog post? I don’t know the rules here… As Brianna said, marriage is HARD! It requires work and effort. It’s like a garden (or a plant if you are apartment-bound). Your marriage requires constant care and feeding, and it will rapidly begin to wilt if you don’t give it enough attention. I just came up with that, but it’s pretty good, right?! Now on to my list!

9. Learn to be selfless. – Chris

As children, we often learn to be selfish. Everything is about me and about my needs. That selfishness is frequently reinforced by helicopter parents, and in a lot of cases persists into adulthood. I know that I was very selfish when we first met, started dating, and got married. Not so much in the “It’s all about me, my wants and my desires”, more that since college I was the only one who I had to look after and care about. I could pretty much go anywhere I wanted, whenever I wanted. I’m occasionally a slow learner, but it took me a while to realize that just because I wanted to go somewhere, buy something, or do something, my desires didn’t always fit into the schedule/budget/garage!! Once I began to look at things from my spouse’s perspective and consider her feelings about and reactions to various circumstances, things smoothed out. 

10. Don’t be jealous of your children – Chris

Yeah, I said it. I often find myself jealous of our son. It often feels like I come last on the priority list. “Our son has track today”, “today is youth group”, “our son really wants to eat tacos”… you get the idea. It’s really easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you’re last on the list. Last to get time, last to get attention, last to get affection. And as we all know, negative thoughts can quickly spiral out of control. When I catch myself thinking those thoughts, I have to deliberately stop myself, and remind myself that I’m my wife’s number one guy. I have been since October 6th, 2005. That is not going to change. But I DO have to share her with our son, her family and others. I just remember why so many people need so many things from her. Because she is kind, sweet, caring, and a pleasure to be around. I have to remember that the reasons I love spending time with her are the same reasons that others do too!

11. Work on your friendship. – Chris

I can honestly say that my wife is my best friend. When something good (or something bad) happens, she is the first person I think to call. We share with each other, we have fun together, and I know that she has my back and I have hers. That solid friendship underpins our marriage and helps make it strong and stable. I cannot emphasize how important the friend aspect is. If I were to rely on someone else as my go-to person, I would be taking that investment away from my relationship with my wife. 

12. Be careful with your words. – Chris

This one was hard and still is. I have a quick wit and a sharp tongue. That pairing can be as rough as orange juice and toothpaste. I have been known to fire off a quip without really thinking it through. I describe it as seeing my words tumbling through the air while shouting, “Nooooo”, like the paper towel commercials. I’m only joking, but sometimes my humor is not uplifting and positive. I’ve had to learn (sometimes the hard way) that my wife’s humor is much different. She’s a girl, so she is inherently more sensitive to things, especially things that are personal. I cannot begin to count the number of times that I have hurt or offended her by speaking before I think. I don’t even remotely claim to have this one conquered, but I can say that I am getting more deliberate with my words. At home, at work, and everywhere else. I’ve got a long way to go, but it’s one step at a time, right? 

13.  Be present when you’re present. – Chris

This one was a huge challenge for a long time. I’d like to think that I’m getting better in this area, but it takes conscious effort. I travel for work. Like, A LOT! My job can be pretty demanding and intense, and when I have multiple weeks of back-to-back trips, it stresses me out. When I get stressed, I find myself physically in the company of my family, but my mind is still at work. “When will I plan this trip?”, “When will I have time to outline that presentation?”, “Did I remember to approve time sheets this week?”, “I can’t forget to schedule those 3 meetings when I get back in the office!”.  It’s mostly work-related, but sometimes I have a personal project that’s taking longer than expected, or maybe it’s a longer-term thing, like restoring a truck or engine swapping a car. I tend to obsess over the details of those projects, largely so that I don’t miss a step or forget to do something. All of those things are a complete distraction and prevent me from just being in the moment. I am blessed to have a wife and son that I love dearly, and every moment is a gift. Sometimes I just have to take a deep breath and remember that the work will still be right where I left it. 

14.  Love is not just a feeling. – Chris

We all remember that feeling. The stomach-turning flips when you saw her, the rapid heartbeat, the way that everything but her suddenly went out of focus, and your breathing got shallow and fast. Yep, all of that and more. That’s the sort of thing that we associate with love. That’s certainly part of it. I still feel that way when I see my bride, especially when I come back from some time away. That part of love doesn’t sustain a marriage. The deep abiding love does.  Either this wasn’t in the instructions (or I didn’t read them), but love is a deliberate action or set of actions. I rolled my eyes when Brianna wanted me to read Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages”, but I have to say, he nailed it. One of my biggest take-always is that we each have a “love tank”. It’s like the gas tank on your car. When it’s full, the world is my oyster (whatever that old phrase actually means). When it’s empty, look out!! I get a little “Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum”. What I’ve found is that when my tank is low, Brianna’s often is too. When my tank is low, I try to do things that make Brianna feel loved. When she feels loved, she reciprocated and fills my tank too. It can be little things, folding laundry, doing dishes, cleaning, starting or making dinner, or drawing her a bath. Sometimes it just takes one of us to kickstart the process. That felt like a bit of rambling, but the point is that butterflies aren’t love. Love is deliberately recharging your partner because you want to demonstrate what you feel for them. 

15. Make your marriage an example for others. – Chris

I’m not sure this one was a conscious decision, but we try to make sure that our son has a solid example of what a strong, loving, Godly marriage is. So many of his friends (and ours) don’t have that example in their lives. We tend to emulate and repeat what we see, so we want to get that part right. Both of us are lucky in that both sets of our parents are still married to the person they started with. Brianna’s parents had the same example in their lives too. We don’t hide the good or the bad from our son (within reason, he can’t know every time we disagree!). We are affectionate, holding hands or hugs and kisses, etc. The joke now is that when we are affectionate in front of our child, he can add it to his therapy bill. When he walks in, his issue will be that his parents loved each other too much. We are kind in our words, and in our actions, and we are courteous to each other – I automatically hold doors, and now my son does too. We encourage and lift each other up, instead of tearing them down. When we have a disagreement, words like “divorce” are forbidden. It is completely off the table for either of us. That, by the way, was by mutual agreement. I hope that our daily behaviors model a healthy marriage, to our son and to everyone who knows us. 

16. Don’t let the little things distract from the big thing. -Chris

Can I tell you a secret? My wife sometimes irritates me. Well, not so much my wife, but sometimes things she does. For example, she’s a multitasker. I am not. Multitaskers drive me insane because they hop between things, whereas I would rather start a task and see it through before I start another.  My wife insists on packing in tote bags when we are going on a car trip. I don’t even know why this drives me nuts, but what is wrong with a suitcase?  My wife likes to put her feet in my lap when we are on the couch because she loves a foot rub. Guess what, I like foot rubs too, and I don’t always feel like giving one. 

Before you get the idea that I’m dumping on my wife, I’m not. I am just pointing out some of the things that could trip me up. Those little things that annoyed me a lot in the beginning – and sometimes still do – could distract me from appreciating the biggest most important relationship in my life. I could focus on all those little things and let them constantly wind me up and spin me out, or I could recognize them for what they are. They are simply the quirks of someone who is different from me. 

Quirks aren’t a bad thing, and when you shift your thinking, they become cute and endearing. When I shift my thinking, I realize that it doesn’t matter if you multitask or single task, as long as the stuff gets done. It doesn’t matter if the clothes are in tote bags or suitcases, either way, you’re going on a trip. And foot rubs are a perfect opportunity to show my wife how much I love her. Ultimately all those little things add up to the most perfect partner I could have hoped for. Our differences complement each other, almost as much as we complement each other. Just ask our son. Or his therapist!

On one hand, sixteen years seems like no time and on the other, it seems like forever.  It’s hard to remember life without each other. We hope that if nothing else, today you laughed, you learned and you can take one thing and add it to your relationships.  We pray that you find the one that God has for you and that you will have a lasting and loving relationship together. 

What lesson have you learned from your own marriage (or someone else’s)? 

Leave a message or send me a message – how can we pray for you today?