Ever asked “Why, God?” Katy Parker shares her story of how she learned to release to God the battles she faced.
Flat on My Back
I was lying flat on my back, tears rolling silently down my cheeks. It wasn’t the first time I had ended up on the floor at work, unable to sit or stand because of the pain in my back – the kind that steals your breath and bends your will.
Over a year had passed since my accident when a colleague of mine hit me with her car as I was crossing the road. Three fractured vertebrae. A hospital stay. And later, a PTSD diagnosis I never saw coming. But it wasn’t just the physical pain anymore – it was the quiet ache of disappointment in my own healing journey. I thought I’d be further along by now. Stronger. Whole again.
I didn’t want anyone to see me cry. So, I wiped the tears, drank some water, washed my face, and walked back from my break like nothing happened. But I must not have hidden it well, because my colleague gently asked if I needed a few more minutes. I nodded and slipped into a dark office, grateful for the solitude. I sat there, letting the tears fall freely this time.
God, Why?
“Why, God? Why is this still happening to me?” I whispered. I didn’t expect an answer. Not really. But in that moment, something shifted. I felt a warmth begin to spread inside me – not from outside, but from within. Like someone lit a candle in my chest.
“God, what are You trying to tell me?” I asked again, not with anger, but with a curious ache.
Still, there was no voice. No flashing light. Just the warmth. And then… the love.
That still, sacred love that wraps around you when everything else is falling apart.
Psalm 34:18
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 (NIV)
He didn’t answer my questions the way I wanted, but He answered with presence. And in that holy silence, I heard something deeper than words:
“I see you. I love you. Not when you’re strong. Not when you’ve ‘got it together.’ Right now. As you are.”
God’s Timing
I realised that while I was measuring my worth against timelines, expectations, and silent judgments, God wasn’t. He wasn’t disappointed in me for being broken. I was. He wasn’t ashamed of my tears. I was.
But He was gently whispering: Come to Me just as you are.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 (NIV)
I used to think that pushing through the pain as I kept showing up, while my body screamed for rest, was the offering God wanted from me. But in a later moment – another collapse at work – I realised something else: God wasn’t asking for my suffering as an offering. He was asking for my surrender.
He wasn’t pleased with my neglect. My body, broken as it was, was still His temple.
1 Corinthians 6:19
“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own.” 1 Corinthians 6:19 NIV
He wanted a relationship, not a sacrifice of burnout. He wanted me, not the mask of strength I kept trying to wear.
So, I started taking little steps. Not towards perfection, but toward grace. I began feeding my body with rest and nourishment, my mind with love, and my spirit with truth. I walked, moved slowly, breathed deeply. I reached out to my support circle. I opened the Bible for comfort. I began to recognise His voice not in shouts, but in the stillness.
Safety
And in those moments, I felt safe to let go. Safe to release the parts I couldn’t fix. Safe to trust that God was holding what I could not carry.
I don’t need to control how others see me. If I break down in front of a stranger, it’s okay. I don’t have to carry their judgments, too. That’s not my burden to bear.
I release that to Him.
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7 NIV
Today, even though I still live with chronic pain, I know this: God hasn’t healed me less.
He’s just healed me differently.
Maybe it’s not about the mountain moving. Maybe it’s about learning how to carry the mountain with grace – and showing others, it can be carried. Because we don’t carry it alone.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)
So, if you’re in the middle of it – your own mountain, your own quiet pain, know this:
You are not behind. You are not broken beyond repair. You are not alone.
Let go. Release what was never yours to hold.
And rest in the arms of the One who loves you… as you are.
Meet Katy Parker
Katy Parker is a trauma-informed well-being writer, grief and loss coach, and mental health mentor who helps others navigate invisible grief in a grief-illiterate world.
A trauma survivor and chronic pain warrior, Katy believes that God left her in this world for a reason. Drawing upon her lived experience of trauma and resilience, Katy shares her journey of healing and hope on her Journeyofsmiley blog. She is the compassionate force behind the PTSD: My Story Project and the Grief Stories series – safe spaces where people from around the world share their difficult experiences. Katy holds a degree in Education and is the co-author of Rising Above: Stories of Overcoming.
Website
Blog: www.journeyofsmiley.com
Grief Stories on Substack: https://katyparker.substack.com
Email: sm****@*************ey.com
Social links:
IG: https://www.instagram.com/journeyofsmiley
FB: https://www.facebook.com/journeyofsmiley
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.co.uk/journeyofsmiley
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@journeyofsmiley
Share Your Story in the Releasing to God Series
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Hope in the Healing: A 40-Day Journey Through Chronic Illness
Hope in the Healing: A 40-Day Devotional Journey Through Chronic Illness
Find strength for today and hope for tomorrow with this compassionate 40-day devotional designed for those navigating the physical, emotional, and spiritual challenges of chronic illness. Hope in the Healing offers gentle encouragement, Scripture-based reflections, and space to connect with God—even on the hardest days.
💛 Start your journey today: https://amzn.to/3TbkaIj
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