Mary Miner shares her story of her recent pregnancy loss. Through this tragedy, she found where to place her trust, in God.
Pregnancy Loss
My 20-month-old son would not sleep on November 30th. We had baked cookies all day and I was extremely sore, so I thought he had extra energy still bent up inside. I took him to bed, sighing, but determined to sleep a few hours. I was 11 weeks pregnant with our second, and though the morning sickness (aka all-day sickness) had lessened, I was always exhausted.
A few hours later, I awoke with a full bladder. Nothing new, but I was surprised to find my sweatpants were soaked. My heart sank, worry filling my thoughts. Shaken a little, I went to the bathroom and wiped.
There it was. There was blood.
I breathed in and stifled a cry, not knowing what to do.
I took a picture to send to a coworker, a former L&D nurse. “Is this a miscarriage?” I typed, the tears running freely now.
My Loss Confirmed
A trip to the Emergency Department later, my little boy was hugging me and clueless as to the physical and emotional pain that my husband and I were still experiencing. There were a few moments when I felt sad, relieved, and grateful. I was sad to know that the pregnancy for which we had prayed and the little babe whom I wanted to know would not come this summer. I felt guilty to be relieved from the financial burden that childbirth would be. And mostly, ironically, I was so grateful I could squeeze our firstborn and pray over his life.
In the days that followed, I felt blessed that I could focus on my son and Christmas. I thought I might become Scrooge, but as it turns out, I needed the immense joy that a toddler at Christmas can bring. Each day gets easier, and each prayer gets less self-centered, though there are still moments of questioning “Why?”
Reminders of My Loss
There were hard times and several times over the next week, little things reminded me that I wasn’t pregnant, I wouldn’t see tiny newborn fingers in June, and the agony of waiting for another pregnancy would pop up. But I am so grateful we have a good God who loves us and, according to His Will, we have a beautiful journey on earth before we are with Him in Heaven.
Through it all, Christian women surrounded me in love. The very next day was our ladies’ Bible study but I opted not to attend. I was gifted fuzzy socks and heart-felt messages soon after. I received many texts and reminders that “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV and “Instead, you ought to say, ‘If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.’” James 4:15 NIV.
God Is There
God doesn’t want sin to devastate us, and God doesn’t allow sin to punish us. But in His Divine Sovereignty, He uses sin to bring us closer to the image of Jesus. He loves us that much. Our job is to trust Him and be obedient to His Will for our lives since anything other than pure devotion is a direct affront to His Omniscience.
So, let’s remember what’s important and who is for us and pray:
“Lord, I am willing to –
Receive what you give
Lack what you withhold
Relinquish what you take.”
- Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges
Meet Mary
Mary Miner is a wife, mother, and nurse who occasionally writes when life permits. She lives in Montana with her husband Chris, almost 2-year-old boy Truxton, and cat Waylon. Her hobbies include working out, baking, and supporting her boys while praying for a bigger family. An advocate for emotional intelligence, she wrote Live Fully: One Hack to Lead a Satisfying Life based on her dissertation research and conviction that, as a child of God; you are fearfully and wonderfully made to achieve what He has called you to do in this life. She welcomes your contact at ma******@gm***.com and would love to pray with you.
Releasing to God Series
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