Amy Jean Hetland is here today to talk about her difficult experience wrestling with God and losing the battle.
I was born with a physical disability. Growing up, I also suffered from depression and anxiety. My schoolmates and others on the bus teased me mercilessly, and I had few friends. I learned not to trust people at a young age, for the teachers in school never helped me when I was teased. They either ignored it or told me to stop crying.
My Desires Weren’t God’s
As a teenager and adult, I saw all my friends dating, marrying, and having children. Some also had careers, and all owned homes. I saw this as the epitome of the American Dream: family, career, home. Feeling so left out, and so left behind, for I couldn’t have any of it. I never dated, thus never had children, but I did have a career in child care for a while, until I couldn’t physically or emotionally cope anymore. I wanted to have a career with animals, but then again, my physical limitations got in the way. It all came down to employment in assembly or office work. I had done both before, but I was so bored, I hated it. Although I was eager to volunteer and dedicate myself to my family and church, I knew my energy levels wouldn’t allow it all.
Trying to Be Like Everyone Else
I tried to be like everyone else, not wanting any special treatment, good or bad. I wanted what everyone else had, and I wanted to do what everyone else did. Even though I was deathly afraid, I taught myself to ride a bike and roller skate. Even though I loved playing with my Barbies, I knew teenagers didn’t, so I had to quit my beloved hobby.
Wrestling with God
When I turned 40, I began to have regrets. I felt like I had wasted my life wishing for what I can’t have, wanting to be what I can’t be. I was like Jacob wrestling with God in Genesis 32: 22-32 and I kept fighting God in a war for my life. This was futile, because God is God, I will always lose. Job said to God in Job 42: 2-6 NLT:
“I know that you can do anything,
and no one can stop you.
3 You asked, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’
It is I—and I was talking about things I knew nothing about,
things far too wonderful for me.
4 You said, ‘Listen and I will speak!
I have some questions for you,
and you must answer them.’
5 I had only heard about you before,
but now I have seen you with my own eyes.
6 I take back everything I said,
and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.”
Surrendering to God
I came to this conclusion myself. Who was I to question God? Who was I to treat Him like a Santa Claus? I realized I had to change my expectations of God. He doesn’t owe me anything, for in His amazing grace, He gave me everything. Now I am volunteering, and continuing to be with my family and church. I am also venturing into a new frontier for me: writing. I have always wanted to be a writer, but never took the chance out of fear. Now I decided to take the chance. I don’t know what will happen, but I keep praying that if this is God’s will that He would help me make it happen. I also pray that I would not hold on to this dream, but that I would hang my hopes on God, not my dream. For God is all I have, He is all I need.
Meet Amy Jean Hetland
Amy Jean Hetland is from the land of sky-blue waters: MN. She is an adult English Language Learners Instructor, and volunteers in her church. Her manuscript, “I’m Not Normal,” is about growing up with a disability, mental illness, and spiritual legalism. As an adult, she finally finds healing for the spiritual legalism through counseling and a church. Amy also accepts her disability and mental illness, and finds new purpose in persevering through both. She has been published in Spiritual Awakenings, Freedom Verse, and The Rusty Nail. She is a member of the Author’s Guild.
Interested in Being the Next Featured Guest Blogger?
If you have been here a while or it’s your first visit, welcome. We are currently looking for guest bloggers to be featured on Briannagrams! If you are interested in sharing your story of surrender and how you’ve learned to let go, we would love to hear from you. Here are the submission guidelines.
Leave a Reply