Encouragement for the Woman Walking Through Estrangement
Kristine Amundrud shares her personal story of walking through estrangement and how she is releasing this relationship to the Lord.
The Baby Shower
A baby shower had been organized to celebrate the birth of our first daughter. The diaper cake was impressive and the baby–well, I’m biased. The friend who orchestrated it all kindly included my mom in small planning details. Once coffee had been served, gifts unwrapped, and our daughter passed around sufficiently, out-of-town friends lingered over hugs before saying goodbye.
A Season of Grief With My Mother
I set baby down in the basinet before walking my mother to her car. For whatever reason, the tension was palpable. “I wish I had never come,” she snapped. Her words were jarring and unexpected. No stranger to these unpredictable swings in her disposition, I prayed for a time when they would end–when apologies and repairs became commonplace. Allowing incidents to blow over was a well-practiced rhythm in my family of origin. I had observed how tampering with these systems could be rocky ground and so I clung to safety in the name of peace. Feeling stuck in unshifting patterns, peace was my hidden idol.
My family has since grown, the baby earlier mentioned soon to be a teenager. Over the years, many storms have been weathered between my mother and I. But a certain gale wind incident witnessed by my children at a birthday party–it left us all staggering in a long season of grief.
Walking Through Estrangement With My Mother
I am walking through estrangement with my mother. It is a different kind of loss–a disenfranchised grief as painful as an actual death, minus the funeral. This is not the life I imagined when our young family relocated to my hometown. In a small farming community, full of memories and connections, I avoid my mother at all costs. Boxes of family dysfunction tend to get passed around through generations. I looked carefully at the last box my mother gave me and decided that it wasn’t mine to keep or impart.
Are You Walking Through This Too?
Maybe this is your story too, dear sister in Christ. Lack of emotional safety forced you to separate from a loved one. Full of embarrassment and shame, estrangement is a subject that feels taboo. Countless tears and defining moments have led you to this place. You wonder, what would Jesus truly do? Did the anger surprise you too, bubbling out of cracks left unrepaired? Childlike hope will tell you that a family member can be different. When that’s not the case, it’s easy to despair. The world would like to push you towards the idea of radical acceptance–practicing a conscious effort to acknowledge and honor difficult situations and emotions. A common expression being “It is what it is!”
For the Christian, surrendering our struggles
looks more like acknowledging his Lordship in our lives,
than succumbing to impossible frustration.
Can I encourage you to give up your desires and timing to our precious Savior? There are simply no quick fixes in the midst of unhealthy or toxic relationships. In Psalm 37, David eloquently communicates instructions for living through the heavy seasons in life. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him [verse 7 ESV]. He repeatedly reminds us to “fret not.” Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. [Psalm 37:4] Better yet, He will give you HIMSELF.
Exhaustion
I exhausted myself in a long season of striving for repair, my little-girl heart naively set on fixing things. Ultimately, I placed my hope in Him, fully releasing my mother and the situation. God Almighty has the authority to do whatever He wants in our circumstances.
God is our Sovereign and because He is in control, we don’t need to be.
I don’t possess any easy answers or quick five-step solutions for navigating estrangement. At this point, I cannot offer a happy ending that points directly to God’s goodness. Certainly though, He is still good and His grace is far more than we deserve!
Hope in Estrangement
Maybe it’s been months or years since you’ve spoken to that challenging family member. Your heart anxiously races at the thought of seeing them again. We aren’t able to change outcomes or people, but God is changing our hearts as we journey through unthinkable grief.
Whatever your story, I pray you would receive God’s peace as you trade in your struggles for more of Him. More than that, I pray that God would ultimately get the glory in the unhealed, not yet written parts of your story. He longs to give us the desires of our hearts [Psalm 37:4 ESV]. What if, as we release the burdens of brokenness we’ve been carrying, He gives us more and more of fully Himself? Fret not, fellow sojourner. In just a little while, the beautiful details of your story will all make sense.
Meet Kristine
KRISTINE AMUNDRUD is a wife and homeschool mom to three kids, living between the Rocky Mountains and Prairies of Alberta, Canada. In the busy day to day, she’s pursuing healing through story work and writing. Kristine hopes you will find traces of God’s immeasurable goodness in the words she shares. Connect with her on Instagram @kamundrud
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